Guilt and A Good Time

Woke up in tears this morning, grabbing a Doctor Pepper for breakfast (with a burrito too)- keep looking at the bottle out of the corner of my eye wishing it was a nice glass of Cab. Even Malbec. 

I had gone to a Halloween Party last night with a group of girls I haven't seen in over two years. It reminded me of that optimistic girl that I was when I got divorced...and before my son began to suffer from PTSD and the resulting behavioral issues we had. For many of those ladies- they didn't know what I had gone through since they had seen me last. My mothering struggles were a secret. Hearing their memories of our times together- reminded me of the girl I was. Stars in her eyes, forgetting how broke I was but how exciting life was. Every experience we had was magical- the lights brighter, the smiles broader and there was this anticipation of what it was going to be like of us women who just moved to this city. At times, I felt like the girl I was and other times, I felt weird like I was going through the motions. It was as if I had these scars they couldn't see but I was wondering if they knew how much it had me feel like different and robotic. I felt awkward. I did realize I no longer could drink liquor though and kept to the mom juice of wine. I also felt happy I wasn't the oldest of the bunch anymore. 

Woke up in tears this morning, feeling guilty that I had went last night while my child was in a hospital four hours away in mental pain. My mental side says I need to take care of myself and that it was good to see the glimpse of the girl that I was and I still am- the girl who is still buried in there. As I am writing thank you notes, totally slutting my house out for playdates to try to make friends for my little one for her birthday party today- the tears are falling. Don't tell me any mom likes having playdates- the mess, the chaotic noise. If you do, you are a liar. Everyone loves getting to offload a kid for a couple of hours- it is like date night even if you have two more sitting at home with you when you lose one kid. 

We put so much pressure on ourselves as parents to fix everything and be ourselves- have an identity separate from our kids. Those moments we have to hold onto- because I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. No idea. I know today my kid is safe in the hospital and there is nothing more I can do. But it felt really freaking awesome to be that girl I was a couple years ago before all this teenage angst started. 


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