I was riding in the car with my oldest offspring; the child that usually we have such high hopes for the first child. (Even though often times- this child is the experiment and ends up probably the most messed up.) He is the crowning jewel- any subsequent children are lucky to have baby books, photos taken and completion of childhood to adulthood in one piece (with limited counseling) we count that as a success.
Offspring #1 likes to bring up uncomfortable conversations, debates and challenging of the rules in the car knowing I can't get away. I may crash- but I can't walk away. So #1 opens up with the conversation: "We talked about masturbation at school today." I do a quick recovery of shock; I had prepared myself for this moment my whole parenting life- to be a young, hip mom ready to answer any questions in this area. I had watched Teen Mom shows- I never wanted to be a grandmother yet when there are times I still want to cry for my mommy.
"So Yes, Offspring #1,"self-love" is a very natural act. If you do this- my son- please make sure you do it in the privacy of your own room, do not leave any evidence for your mom (i.e. a sticky sock) and wash your hands." I was feeling proud of myself- we were having this bonding moment- mother to son and I was feeling cocky that my son felt comfortable enough to talk to me about this. My son still liked to touch my face- and yes, he asks me to smell his hand occasionally- so thought the cleanliness message was important but didn't want him to have a complex. So feeling a false sense of confidence and bravado- I felt I had navigated these waters successfully. I noted to myself to monitor if any of my Victoria Secret's catalogues disappeared.
And then his response, as if he set me up like a five year old at the t-ball bat, I walked into his trap with my arrogance, "Well, Mom, do you practice Self-love?" I watched my successful missile of forward, open parenting crash and burn before it had hit its target...I stumbled and recovered. I went from the cool, hip mom to the "ewwww she touches herself" mom. This is the woman who names her vibrators- and has a very committed long term relationship with them. Juan Carlos has brought me through some very rough times.
"Why, no, Offspring #1, but if I did it would be completely acceptable."
Well played. Well played.
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